For Starters

I wish my life was what I portrayed it to be. To match the mask I put on every day without a second thought about it. It's second nature, a habit, a lifestyle. I forget that I put on a mask therefore regret the actual emotions I let slip out.

My life has been anything and everything but easy. Complicated, clouded, confused, dark, alone. I don't know where to even start, therefore I will let my posts and feelings show the way and mindset of a neglected, abused and alcoholic 24 year old.

I've dealt with neglect, drug & alcohol abuse, neglect and child molestation. Now I'm finding the missing pieces of the dark puzzle to find what is my past with a dying mother and a shithole brother, I don't have much to go on. But I'm determined to figure out, without therapists, what has made me the person I am. And most importantly, how.

Deep down, I'd like to think that I am a strong, confident, eccentric, real human being when all is true.. I'm still falling apart and don't know how to fix it anymore. I'm tired of fixing it. I'm tired of trying when nothing seems to help or change the outcome. My anxiety takes over, yet doesn't get me anywhere.

I grew up with a family of alcoholic and drug addicted individuals that I refused to succumb to that lifestyle yet I find myself in it, fighting to get out.

I would deeply appreciate other people going through the same thing coming forward and sharing it with me. Maybe then I won't feel as alone as I do.